“I’m Joy on HOPE 100.7. This weekend I was asked what my best advice is for a married couple. After 34 years of marriage, my advice would be not to forget that your spouse is also your brother or sister in Christ.”

Take a minute and think about the way you treat your friends. When a friend annoys you, are you quick to snap at her? If she forgets to do something you asked her to do, do you point it out in frustration? In my experience, it seems easier to extend grace to a friend than it does to my own husband. With a friend, I find myself thinking, “she’s probably been busy. I know she’s worried about her job and her kids…” or something along those lines. Or even, “she’s so free-spirited, she can’t be expected to remember things like that.” While it feels easy to think of our friends in compassionate, understanding, and forgiving ways, sometimes it’s harder to think of our spouse like that. Today we’re going to talk about some Scriptures and strategies to help ourselves respond to disappointments or annoyances from our spouse in more graceful and forgiving ways.

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Date Your Spouse

A great start is to begin thinking of your spouse as a friend you can still learn more about. Sometimes people call this “dating your spouse.” It can be tempting to fall into a rut in your marriage where you think you already know all there is to know about your husband or wife. That can lead to believing you know what your spouse is thinking all the time, or the reasons they are doing the things they’re doing. I can’t over-emphasize how dangerous this is. Even when you think you know why he/she is doing something, or why they said something you didn’t like, have a conversation about it. You might be surprised by what you find out. When preparing for a conversation of this type, try to approach it like you would with a friend, (trying to understand) instead of out of your own hurt feelings or disappointment. So many times we come at our spouse from our insecurities or past hurts and sabotage the communication from the beginning.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry.

James 1:19

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

Proverbs 17:27

Personality Conflict?

If you haven’t already, set aside some time to do a personality evaluation with your spouse. The enemy has many tools to use against us in our marriages, it’s wise for us to use what tools we can to strengthen our relationships. It can be very helpful to understand the way your spouse sees things and processes the world around them. If you’ve done something like that in the past, revisit the results to see if there’s something that can help you communicate better, or retake the test. In many cases, our personality characteristics can change over time, and new approaches can be found to be effective in our communication. Ask your church leadership if there’s a particular test they prefer, or find one online.

Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Proverbs 13:10

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!

Proverbs 16:16

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.

Proverbs 29:11

Generosity of Spirit

One of the most important characteristics to nurture in your relationships is generosity of spirit. Another way to say it- learning to give the benefit of the doubt. How many times have you gotten into an argument with your spouse over the way they said something, or a small inconvenience, only to wonder later why you let that bother you so much?

You may have heard it said that we very easily give ourselves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to our own intentions, but we assign bad intentions quickly to others. Do you ever think, She doesn’t even care about how hard I work?!  -or-  He only cares about himself! Try this little exercise. When your spouse does something that irritates or angers you, stop for a minute. Ask the Lord for help and perspective. Think about what bothered you. Let’s use a stereotypical annoyance (but one that holds true in this house!): husband has left his dirty clothes on the floor. Your first thought: I’ve asked him over and over to put his dirty clothes away. He doesn’t care about my feelings or what I have to say. Now think about ways he has shown he cares about your feelings. Keep in mind, he might not be showing you the way you want to be shown exactly, but are there ways he’s trying? One of the challenges of marriage is that men and women often look at things differently. We care about different things and communicate in unique ways. On top of that, individuals have different personalities, qualities, downfalls, and values. It’s a miracle anyone stays married at all! But seriously, melding two lives together isn’t for the faint of heart and we have an enemy who would love nothing more than to destroy marriages and families. We have to be wise and determined to build a marriage based on God’s Word and the love He has for us. Don’t allow yourself to be complacent or indifferent, preferring to believe that your marriage can’t be improved or isn’t worth the effort.

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God bless you. Stay hopeful! ❤️