But not all of us. Your mom may not have been patient and kind. If you had to describe her, the words manipulative, distant, controlling, and petty might come to mind–maybe even abusive. But when God gives the Israelites the Ten Commandments, recorded in Exodus 20, He says, Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. And so we don’t mistakenly think that the command applies only to Old Testament Jews, Paul repeats it in the book of Ephesians: “Honor your father and mother”–which is the first commandment with a promise–“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

God knows there are bad, dishonorable mothers on the earth. Before the Ten Commandments were even recorded, Moses related several examples of less-than-stellar moms. Lot’s wife and Sarah (and Ishmael) come to mind. Later, we read of Athaliah, who counseled her son to do wicked things and killed her grandchildren (2 Chronicles 22), and Mark 6 tells the story of Herodias using her daughter to have an enemy killed. These women were manipulative, controlling, and abusive–certainly seemingly not worthy of honor. So what is God asking of us?

I heard a sermon a long time ago, back when my children were quite small, that answered this question, but I never really understood it until my kids had grown up. The person said that you honor your parents by living your life so that it reflects well on your family, your parents. One of my greatest joys in life is talking about my grown-up kids. Jobs, awards, promotions, engagements, weddings, babies–you will hear it all from me first, and I will include all the details. I am so proud of them I want everyone to know what they are doing.

You’ve seen those movies where a woman is bragging that her son is a surgeon or a lawyer. She is proud and is boasting about his accomplishments. She feels honor and pride because of the person her child has become. That’s it. You become someone that is worthy of bragging about, and it throws honor on your parents. They are esteemed because of what you have done.

But remember, this honor is in God’s thinking, so it isn’t necessarily going to be the position of most prestige or wealth, but of one that God would honor. Be a person who loves, sacrifices, serves. Be gentle, kind, and faithful, and you will be honoring your parents whether or not they had anything to do with the kind of person you’ve become.

I hope you have the kind of mother who is easy to honor, but even if you don’t, you can honor her–and God at the same time.

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